Should coach step in?

[Emanski's Heroes]

I have seen a handful of instances where a parent (generally a dad) for whatever reason can't help but publicly and loudly berate their kid from the stands for any mistake made. Generally after a strikeout or an error by his son, you'll hear a loud (and I would imagine hurtful) shout from the father letting the kid know how bad he screwed up as if the kid couldn't figure that out on his own.

My question is this....is there ever a situation where the coach should step in and say something to the father (in private of course)?

[Coach45]

This is a tough call and I think it depends on the relationship between coaches and parents. I have my parents sign a code of conduct prior to the season, so expectations are clear. If they step over the line they know I'm likely to talk with them at some point; in essence they've given me permission to remove them from the stands. Over time I've found many/most of these conversations very rewarding and helpful to both parents and their young men. (This has worked for me at the youth and high school levels.)

[skipper5]

Emanski,
This is a heck of a topic. I have never had parents sign a code of conduct, but I will definitely do so this year.

If someone here has a code of conduct they'd be willing to share, I'd appreciate it. PM?

This is a gray area--parents come in all stripes. Some are grouchy and negative by nature. From a coach's standpoint, when do they cross the line into abusive behavior? A code of conduct helps here.

What does it do to a boy's self-esteem to know that his dad has been reprimanded, or sanctioned? The code of conduct doesn't help with this one. Considering that kidnapped people sometimes identify with their kidnappers, then surely the children of negative dads identify with their dads.

[Coach45]

Skipper,

Send me a PM with your e-mail address and I'll be happy to share what I currently use.

If a youngster knows that his dad has been talked with I think it's a good thing all around, but I would NEVER tell the young man that I initiated the conversation. Would reserve this for dad. If a player knows their parents are accountable for good behavior it reinforces for them that they too are accountable.

We could hold a very long discussion about self-esteem. Self worth, IMO, has much more to do with values than artificial constructs. It may be humiliating for a youngster to know that parents have acted out of line (they're usually aware of it already). But ignoring reality in favor of a false sense of accomplishment or worth is a serious problem. Again, my opinion.

Last fall I went through this with a father/son duo. Dad's expectations were both unrealistic and mistaken. I finally had an assistant coach pull him out from behind the backstop at home plate when his son was pitching. The kid was paying more attention to dad than he was the hitters, and he was walking guys one after the other. After the dust settled, a few days later, I called dad and asked him to meet me for breakfast. I no longer have a problem with this man's behavior and now his son gets to see dad act more appropriately. Good outcome for everyone. In an alternate circumstance this fall, another dad didn't want to see it my way or at least meet me in the middle. No problem. They were free to find another team, and I was insistent.

[Ursa Major]

Absolutely, the manager should step in. This ruins the experience for everyone -- the kid, his teammates, other parents, and even opponents. (I remember one game a couple of years ago at the 9u level that a manager was riding on his own players so much that the opposing pitcher became upset and took himself out of the game. That manager is no longer with the league.) Our league makes managers responsible for the conduct of team parents (so that, for example, if a parent is riding an umpire about ball and strike calls, the manager is told to tell the parent to knock it off).

The Positive Coaching Alliance has just such a parent pledge available here:

http://s95294420.onlinehome.us/userfiles/PCAParentPledge.pdf

The Alliance has a parents' tools page here:
http://www.positivecoach.org/subcontent.aspx?SecId=183

[jcwilb]

Great advice guys. :clapping

I would also say that it should never be handled on the spot unless really out of control. People do not like being called out in person or in front of kids, peers, etc.

I would never let it go for too long though. You will be amazed at how the parents don't even realize what they are doing...

[g-mac]

The Positive Coaching Alliance has just such a parent pledge available here:

http://s95294420.onlinehome.us/userfiles/PCAParentPledge.pdf

The Alliance has a parents' tools page here:
http://www.positivecoach.org/subcontent.aspx?SecId=183
Great links! :clapping

I think "Playing Baseball the Ripken Way" should be mandatory reading for every parent and coach. I've always respected Ripken for his play on the field and after reading this book, my respect for him has multiplied. I think he is truly a class act.

[Coach45]

The Positive Coaching Alliance material that Ursa recommended is excellent. PCA founder Jim Thompson's book "The Double Goal Coach" is helpful. I was introduced to this material at one of Jake's clinics...thank you Jake!

[Baseball gLove]

The only time I give my kid a hard time is when he argues with me, especially on items regarding his safety and the safety of others, such as proper base running to avoid a collision with the 1st baseman and vice versa. My position regarding batting has always been "it is better to go down swinging than looking."

[Jake Patterson]

Here's what is in my book. Feel free to use. It has help me tremedously over the years and I rarly had parent problems.
Jake

Parents’ Code of Ethics


1. I will always remember the game is for my child, not for me.
2. I will respect all participants and spectators no matter what their race,
creed or ability.
3. I will always remain positive with my child and his teammates.
4. I will not shout instructions to my child from the sidelines.
5. I understand the responsibility of instructing my child during games and practices belongs to the coach.
6. I will always encourage good sportsmanship and fair play.
7. I will hold all my input, comments, and criticism for the coach or officials
until after the game or practice and will present it in a positive manner
away from the players.
8. I will not interfere with practices or games.
9. I will insist that my child play in a safe and healthy environment.
10. I will insure my child is properly equipped.
11. I will support the umpires and other league officials.
12. I will always get my child to practice on time and pick him or her up on
time and I acknowledge the coach is not a babysitter.
13. I will require the league provide appropriate training for the coach and
his or her staff.
14. I will demand a drug, alcohol, and tobacco free environment and I will
refrain from their use at all youth sports events.
15. I will do my very best to make youth sports fun for my child.


Copyright © 2004, Patterson Sports

[Ursa Major]

The Positive Coaching Alliance material that Ursa recommended is excellent. PCA founder Jim Thompson's book "The Double Goal Coach" is helpful. I was introduced to this material at one of Jake's clinics...thank you Jake!Leagues that affiliate with the Positive Coaching Alliance have workshops for parents that they'll run at the beginning of the season. Our league doesn't make them 'mandatory' (except for coaches) but does contribute $100 toward the year end party for the team in each age bracket that sends the most parents to the workshop.

Actually, the best in-game control of an out-of-control parent occurred with the manager I mentioned above, a few years earlier when he was Ursa Minor's manager in 7-8 year old ball. In the championshp game he was overmanaging like crazy and jumping all over the kids, and, in about the second inning, his wife literally grabbed him by the collar and frog-marched him down the right field line and told him to calm down. The word "divorce" floated our way during her diatribe. He calmed down a little. (And they're still married, but I've seen her make the threat again.)

jcwilb said: I would also say that it should never be handled on the spot unless really out of control. People do not like being called out in person or in front of kids, peers, etc. I would never let it go for too long though. You will be amazed at how the parents don't even realize what they are doing... I agree that rarely is abuse of kids bad enough that you need to make it an in-game issue. (Abuse of umpires is an in-game issue because they'll get thumbed if they keep it up; usually a reminder about the league rule preventing even commenting on ball-strike calls is enough. It doesn't work for me, though -- I've perfected [quite unintentionally, mind you] a grunt that rises in pitch that is the equivalent of "huh?" when an umpire makes a bad ball-strike call. I figure that he's entitled to my feedback. :hissyfit:)

A phone call should handle it. We have an occasional problem because our league in the East Bay of the SF Bay Area is comprised mostly of white suburban types. But, we do draw kids from North Oakland, where the sports experience is loud, raucous, and in-your-face, and many of the parents coming from that area are not aware that the standards are far different in our league. In almost all instances, a word on the side gets them to calm down. Funny thing is that their kids are used to the abuse -- generally good-natured but sharp-edged -- that comes down from all sides. I coached a whole team of them for years during summer ball and the biggest problem was trying to avoid laughing before I upbraided the kids for getting too nasty in their chatter directed toward the other side. Compared to the kids, the parents were angels.

[Coach C]

In our league the parents receive a similar conduct code as Jake has posted
during sign up. During my first team/parent meeting I distribute and READ this code as well as my modified codes. i.e.staying away from the dugout,coaching from the stands etc. to the parents. I address the parent after the game in private. One warning, the next time I can have them removed from the park.

[Ursa Major]

Jake, thanks for posting your Code, I was thumbing through your book but couldn't find it at first glance. Also, as has been mentioned, a Code of Conduct is not enough, and the book does a very good job of advising managers how to set a tone with parents and kids so they'll understand what the overall team goals are. If you set the right culture, it's easier for parents parents to internalize why it's inappropriate to be over-the-top.

Actually, I think one of the best cues for parents to understand why the obsessiveness with early success is pointless is to read some of Hiddengems' posts on travel ball and the like. If someone who's had his degree of success thinks that obsessing with accomplishments at those ages is out of line, then maybe it is okay for parents to be a bit more patient.

[Coach45]

Jake, thanks for posting your Code, I was thumbing through your book but couldn't find it at first glance. Also, as has been mentioned, a Code of Conduct is not enough, and the book does a very good job of advising managers how to set a tone with parents and kids so they'll understand what the overall team goals are. If you set the right culture, it's easier for parents parents to internalize why it's inappropriate to be over-the-top.

Actually, I think one of the best cues for parents to understand why the obsessiveness with early success is pointless is to read some of Hiddengems' posts on travel ball and the like. If someone who's had his degree of success thinks that obsessing with accomplishments at those ages is out of line, then maybe it is okay for parents to be a bit more patient.

Excellent thoughts. It's also helpful to review all of this at a parent meeting, like CoachC mentioned, with everyone in attendance. Removing anonymity helps hold people accountable. It's also helpful to point out that Hall of Fame hitters ...the best in the world... fail about 70% of the time.

[jacksimpk]

I can only add to defuse early or after. You don't want to get into a shouting match with an adult in the middle a temper tantrum. But there is a case for early intervention as well. Sometimes if you act right away you save embarssment for all sides. Good lord a grandfather got so upset at one game last year that after a verbal arguement with a parent from anther team he went to sit in the car to calm down and had a heart attack and died. I'm in favor of umpires just kicking ppl out. It'd be fun to see what happened if on game day all adults had to watch on TV and only the kids were there. I bet the game would be good and I bet they'd play hard too.

[g-mac]

It'd be fun to see what happened if on game day all adults had to watch on TV and only the kids were there. I bet the game would be good and I bet they'd play hard too.
I would subscribe to that channel. Hmmm...The Sandlot Channel. Has a nice ring to it.:D

[Coach C]

One thing these parents dont realize is that their behavor does effect which team there son is drafted on. I'd rather spend my time teaching their son, and not running adult day care, it is a factor in my drafting decision.

[TG Coach]

I have seen a handful of instances where a parent (generally a dad) for whatever reason can't help but publicly and loudly berate their kid from the stands for any mistake made. Generally after a strikeout or an error by his son, you'll hear a loud (and I would imagine hurtful) shout from the father letting the kid know how bad he screwed up as if the kid couldn't figure that out on his own.

My question is this....is there ever a situation where the coach should step in and say something to the father (in private of course)?

Starting in 13U travel we had a code of conduct. But it would get broken. Anytime a parent would berate their son or daughter I would talk to them about it. One time in basketball the dad was right behind the bench. His kid was having a tough game. I turned and asked him if publicly berating him would help him play batter. Worse, we once had a dad who would berate fielders when his son was pitching. We fixed that. We didn't pitch his son until dad figured it out. Darn, the kid didn't return the following season. If a parent gets into the "It's my kid" the response is, "Not when he's in my dugout."

I was listening to Dennis Prager yesterday. While the topic was couples, it could apply just as easily to children. The worst thing you can do to someone is publicly humilate them. It can never be taken back.

[BoardMember]

Here is my "Player/Parent" Code of Conduct Form........Notice the BOLDED portion........

Players and parents or guardians are required to sign this Player/Parent Code of Conduct form. The signature below indicates that I/we have read, understand and agree to the Policies and Procedures document and the Code of Conduct Form.

The Code of Conduct defines the Organization’s expectations of its team members and their parents or guardians.

Players:

While participating in organizational activities both on and off the field, players are expected to conduct themselves in a manner that represents a positive attitude, good sportsmanship and respect toward authority. Swearing, disrespect, or misuse of equipment will not be tolerated.

Players are expected to put forth 100% effort at practices and games. Attitudes which are negative or contrary to productive efforts, as well as displays of disrespect towards staff members or other players may result in removal from participation in practices and/or games as well as possible removal from the Organization.

While outside organizational activities, players must be aware that they represent the organization at all times and must act in a manner which will uphold the integrity of the Organization. While traveling under the Organization’s name, players are expected to respect the rules and regulations of any establishment or activity in which they are involved, including hotels, motels, restaurants, etc.

Any player who is found to be involved in any illegal activity, or who unlawfully possesses, uses, sells or has been under the influence of a controlled substance including, but not limited to, illegal drugs, tobacco and alcohol will be removed from the Organization. Players who knowingly protect such activities may also be suspended or removed.

Parents and Guardians:

Parents/Guardians traveling with the team are expected to be responsible for their daughter’s behavior while participating outside of tournament play or practice.

The Organization realizes that at times, a parent or guardian may not agree with a coach’s strategy, method of discipline, or coaching technique. Parents should also realize that coaches are human and mistakes can and will be made. Parents/guardians may ask to discuss their concerns with the coaching staff after a 24 hour time period from the end of tournament play and not at any time during tournament play. Verbal or personal attacks against any staff member or player, INCLUDING THEIR OWN, will not be tolerated at any time. Always remember, the right approach will usually result in the most positive resolution.

Violation of the “24 hour rule” at any time during tournament play, or verbal attack directed at any staff member or player at any time, will result in the immediate suspension of the player for a minimum of 2 consecutive games in which the player is present.

Furthermore, the Organization requires its parents and guardians to refrain from creating a negative atmosphere or expressing outwardly negative comments directed at any player (including their own) or staff member, including assistant coaches and team scorekeepers. These actions will not be tolerated at any time and will result in suspension as well as possible removal of the player from the team at the discretion of the staff.
Consumption of alcohol at any team event where players are present is strictly prohibited.

Violations of any part of this Code of Conduct by a player, parent or guardian may result in the immediate removal of a player from the team and Organization. This procedure will also result in forfeiture of paid player fees as team expenses are rarely diminished in this situation. No warning is necessary under any of these circumstances.

__________________________ __________________________ ________

Parent/Guardian Player Date

[Knights Baseball]

When coaching high school, i like to ask the parents to stay in the stands. If the player signals them, then that is fine. I just dont like the dads that patrol the fence the entire game and every little thing their kid does, they have to correct them like they are going to be able to think about what is wrong with their swing and hit the ball at the same time. I know they just want their kids to be the best, but some times you got to let them do it.

[AgentX]

I've seen this A LOT.

An 11yo player who got booted from the league last year (whose dad had already been banned from coaching) told his coach "My dad is an a**hole."

Unfortunately, a coach has to realize that there is very little he can do to change a kid's lot in life. If Dad is a jerk at the field, he's not going to stop when he gets home. Calling him out on it won't change him, and is more likely to build up resentment that will be passed on to the player.

My advice is to make a point of praising the kid for something he's doing right in a loud and public way. Encourage other players to join in. When Dad sees that he's the only one criticizing Jr., he'll probably be shamed into stopping. Plus, if you can get the rest of the team involved, it will promote team solidarity and morale.

If Dad wants to take issue with you, then you can explain to him how players will only thrive in a positive environment.

[tip184]

As an umpire, I have noticed that coaches and parents often like to bully players in the 9-11 year old range, especially in travel leagues. Once they hit 12, the teenage attitude sets in and they get into talking back so it's harder to do.

[shake-n-bake]

This is a nightmare of a situation. Unfortunately, last season alone I felt compelled twice to talk with an adult about their inappropriate behavior. Prior to that, I had a situation as an umpire where a grandparent really wanted very much to escalate things.

Being in the role of umpire is a much, much better situation than acting as coach or fellow parent. As a coach or a fellow parent there's more apprehension and where things could potentially end up is more of a mystery. As the umpire, you've got that ejection option in your pocket.

Our league uses a code of conduct pledge and I've addressed it as a coach in greeting the kids and parents pre-season. It's a great idea, but unfortunately it guarantees nothing except maybe what the consequences of the actions will be.

There's been many times that I've disagreed with how parents (coach / parent can be THE worst too) have treated their kids, but didn't say anything. I like AgentX's approach because sometimes it seems like the kid will endure further harm from the confrontation with their parent.