The Onion

[Mattingly]

Figured they usually have some doozies, so why not a new thread right here? :D Here's one for starters:

PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50814)
PITTSBURGH—After five years of serving Pittsburgh as their state-of-the-art sporting facility, PNC Park, the home of the rundown, poorly maintained Pirates, said Tuesday it is threatening to leave Pittsburgh unless a new team can be built within the next three years.

"I love the city of Pittsburgh, but the Pirates are an old, dilapidated club built from other teams' spare parts, and its very foundation is rotting away," the stadium said to reporters assembled in its press box. "I had every intention to stay here for the duration of my career as a ballpark, but given that I haven't seen any realistic long-term plans for improving my resident team's ramshackle condition, I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about taking my services elsewhere."

The young stadium, regarded as one of the best of the recent crop of real-estate development projects throughout the league, added that "after this year's All Star Game, I have learned that a ballpark of my caliber deserves to host that kind of play every day."

"The Pirates have become such an eyesore that I've even had to resort to bringing in different teams each week to play in me," the stadium said.

[Williamsburg2599]

:laugh thats awesome, good thing fields can't talk,or taking them to the wrecking ball would be a real pain in the behind, with all that screaming and stuff:D.
How about this?
Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy
July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports


MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.

Or....
Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension
June 29, 2006 | Onion Sports


CHICAGO—Mark Prior, the right-handed pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the DL that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. "I couldn't even imagine the DL without Mark Prior—over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle, and inflamed Achilles tendon of our organization," said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the DL, which is currently rebuilding by claiming young arms such as Kerry Wood, Ben Sheets, and Mike Maroth. "We firmly believe that Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him." While Prior's agent says the pitcher is exploring his options, experts predict that it is "inevitable" that Prior will return to the DL and, with the loyalty he's shown in the past, likely finish his career there.

[Erik Bedard]

Unfortunately, the NL will never win... :(

[Gamingboy]

Classic. Just Classic. Especially the talks of how Wilpon might want it to replace Shea Stadium because David Wright likes hitting at PNC.

[BoofBonser26]

That Prior one is awesome. Just the headline cracked me up. :dance

[west coast orange and black]

erik bedard: Unfortunately, the NL will never win...

the nationals won 19 of 20 all-star games (1963-70; 1972-82) and many wondered if the americans could ever put up back-to-back wins.
so, the americans are clearly king of the roost... for now.

[Erik Bedard]

A bit outdated, but this is their all-time best, IMO.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27656

[mojorisin71]

http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume5/2006-0628-arod.html

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is putting up numbers far below his MVP season of a year ago in hopes of silencing his critics who say he only produces during the “meaningless” regular season and not when it counts. But Rodriguez’s lower numbers this season have only caused his critics to increase their attacks against the future Hall of Famer.

“I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know what people say about me,” says Rodriguez. “That’s why I was hoping that if I sucked in the regular season everyone would stop saying that I suck. But it seems that no matter what I do I just can’t win.”

Rodriguez put up a season for the ages in 2005, his second year in New York, hitting .321 with 48 home runs, and 130 RBI while making only 12 errors in the field. But he didn’t produce enough in the playoffs and the Yankees failed to win the World Series again – with Rodriguez taking the brunt of the blame for that failure.

“I kind of hoped last year that people might let up on me a bit because, well, without me hitting the crap out of the ball we never would have even made the playoffs in 2005 – or in 2004,” says Rodriguez. “It didn’t quite work out that way, though. I had five bad games at a bad time in the ALDS and was informed that I am an embarrassment as a baseball player. So I decided to take another approach this year. I thought if regular season games are meaningless – except for that whole thing about how you need to win them to make the playoffs, of course – I’d treat them as such.”

After weeks of introspection, Rodriguez said he made the decision in the offseason that he would coast through the regular season and rely on his teammates to get him to the playoffs as they have always done on him. Then, once the playoffs arrive he plans to turn it on and reap all the praise.

“My whole career I’ve wondered why Derek Jeter is considered a better player than me,” said Rodriguez. “I mean, if you look at our numbers it’s not even close. And anyone with a brain who ever saw us both play shortstop would say I was far better at the position. Then in the offseason it hit me – I have to sandbag it like Jeter does during the supposed meaningless regular season, put up some mediocre numbers and then play like a true All-Star in the playoffs. It seems pretty easy.”

Nearly halfway through the 2006 campaign, Rodriguez is on pace to hit .278 with just 33 home runs and 113 RBI – all far below his career averages – while making a career-high 26 errors.

“So far it’s going pretty well,” says Rodriguez. “I feel a lot more relaxed this season, a lot fresher. Usually I put so much pressure on myself to win these games so we get in the playoffs that by the time the playoffs roll around I have nothing left. But it’s a lot easier to just sit back and say: ‘I’m going to take it easy and rely on you guys. But trust me, once we get in the playoffs I’ll step up.’ I suppose the only problem is that there isn’t anyone else as good as me on this team that I can rely on to get us to the playoffs. It looks like if I don’t start putting up big numbers again we might not even have a postseason. But if I do that I’m only going to start hearing again how I only perform in the meaningless regular season. Sort of a Catch-22 there.”

[Seattle1]

I think it would be pretty cool if the Pirates finally got a winning team again. They've suffered long enough.

Question: If the Pirates and the Mariners played in the World Series, would the umps throw the series to the Pirates? ;)

:laugh

[BoofBonser26]

A bit outdated, but this is their all-time best, IMO.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27656
After reading that, I agree. :laugh

[Williamsburg2599]

Randy Johnson Asks Chien-Ming Wang For Some Pitching Advice For A Pitcher Friend Of His
August 17, 2006 | Onion Sports


NEW YORK—Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson asked his teammate and fellow pitcher Chien-Ming Wang Tuesday for some pitching advice that was reportedly not for him, but for a "tall, lanky, inconsistent" southpaw friend of his. "He—my friend—is having trouble because he thinks his release point is erratic," said Johnson, who as the conversation went on had to vehemently deny allegations that the person he was talking about was himself. "So, Chien, what do you think about my, er, his release point?" Wang eventually recommended that Johnson tell his "friend" that when he releases the ball too high, he loses his ability to fool left-handed hitters, and to also mention that he will have to accept that at his friend's age, his slider won't be nearly as effective as it once was.


And....

Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central
August 17, 2006 | Onion Sports


CINCINNATI—The Cincinnati Reds (61-58) officially put their names forward as 2006 NL Central division champions Wednesday, after sensing that if they didn't offer to finish in first place, no one would. "We just figured that the Cardinals would do it again since they've been the ones doing it the past couple years, but they don't really seem to want to this season," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "It's been a while since we came in first, so I guess it's our turn. No way are we doing it next year, though." Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs.


And...
URL="http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51807
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51807

[Chisox73]

Here's one from this past week.

Yankees-Red Sox Rivalry Running Dangerously Low on Storylines. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52032)

[Erik Bedard]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51526

"Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought"

Skip the last sentence if you find homosexual slurs or profanity offensive.

[Stumanji]

I think it would be pretty cool if the Pirates finally got a winning team again. They've suffered long enough.

Question: If the Pirates and the Mariners played in the World Series, would the umps throw the series to the Pirates? ;)

:laugh

It depends... do the Pirates have a well-loved player that's probably in his last season in a sure-to-be Hall of Fame career?

[honus14]

They are running a Fantasy Football league where you get points for picking the worst players. Rex Grossman, here I come!

[Food]

:laugh These are awesome! :laugh

[mojorisin71]

Red Sox Pissed at Official Scorer for Scoring Their Loss as a Loss (http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume5/2006-0830-redsox.html)

[hudsonharden]

this one isn't hilarious, but its there:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52041

[Williamsburg2599]

14182...............

[Williamsburg2599]

More on A-rod: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52508

[SoxSon]

More on A-rod: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52508


I laughed out loud on that one. :laugh
The Onion just has a way of wording things that gets me.

[Williamsburg2599]

A little ray of sunlight for us depressed sox fans:

A-rod placed on Emotionally Disabled List:http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52502

A-rod "I hate being a New York Yankee"
NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really su**s here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "$#%!ing outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the @#!% out of this #$^%hole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly.



In a serious note, whats up with all the swearing on the onion all of a sudden? It used to be PG-13:noidea :ughh

[Mattingly]

:laugh I hadn't even realized this thread would have a following. Oh well, silly things I do tend to follow me around anyway. Now then, for the Yankee you folks all tend to love so much: ;) :p
Look at the onion sports home page, all of is mocking A-rod :laugh, it's a little ray of sunlight for us depressed sox fans.
Well, those hi-priced Yankee$ deserve a good ribbin' anyway! :D :p

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/A-Rod-Lead-Story-R.sports_frontpage_thumbnail.jpg

A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52504)

NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "#@#ing outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the %$#@ out of this $%$#@hole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52506)

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. "The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life," Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. "The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night." Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was "extremely difficult" to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card.

[Mattingly]

My apologies for not having fully read that article. Hadn't realized that some "lockerroom humor" would've been included.

Thanks, SoxSon, for fixing this up a bit. :)

[VTSoxFan]

Heehee...here's some more....:D

Alfonso Soriano Regrets Joining 40-40 Club After Meeting Other Members (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53084)

[Erik Bedard]

... and one of them—this big, dumb guy who I still have no idea how he got in—kept asking me what kind of steroids I take and if I knew anyone else who took them,"

Now who might that be?

[Chisox73]

Here's another one;

Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending to Pitch For New York Yankees. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53085)

[hudsonharden]

Manny Being Manny During Massachusetts State Driver's License Photo (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53089)

[Erik Bedard]

Cal Ripken, Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive Games Not Played List (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52820)

[hellborn]

A bit outdated, but this is their all-time best, IMO.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27656
Here's my all time favorite...very outdated...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33402

There is some blue language in there, be warned.

[hudsonharden]

Frank Thomas Credits Recent Power Surge To Steroids (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53439)

Bud Selig Nervously Informs Ozzie Guillen That White Sox Aren't Making Playoffs (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53441)

Trevor Hoffman: 'I Want To Be A Hall Of Famer Right Now' (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53442)*

*warning: contains curse words

[hudsonharden]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53703

[Erik Bedard]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53702

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53700

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53703

[Williamsburg2599]

Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53701)
October 5, 2006 | Onion Sports


NEW YORK—Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, who will miss the next eight months with an arm injury, showed no loss of morale or confidence as he performed his own rotator-cuff surgery last week. "My original plan was to make a minor incision in the shoulder and conduct an arthroscopy to examine the torn labrum," Martinez told reporters at the Mets training facility while outlining his method on the photos he took during the procedure. "However, the damage was extensive enough to necessitate me detaching my entire deltoid muscle and performing a thorough acromioplasty to remove bone spurs in my shoulder." Martinez said he expected himself to recover well enough to perform surgery on his calf in three to five months and begin throwing off the mound in eight.
Thanks,Onion, I needed that laugh.

[Williamsburg2599]

While checking out my "Onion Shattered Expectations Fantasy Football" league Team, I found this:
George Steinbrenner Fires Tigers (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53979)
October 12, 2006 | Onion Sports

NEW YORK—Immediately following the Yankees' first-round playoff elimination last Saturday, George Steinbrenner released a statement announcing his intention to fire the Detroit Tigers, whose "inexcusable postseason performance stunned and saddened" the 76-year-old Yankees owner.

"The Tigers' level of play during the ALDS was deeply disappointing and absolutely not acceptable to both me and the great and loyal Yankee fans," the statement read in part. "This is a mid-budget team with a payroll under $85 million, and I expected them to play like one."

Even though Steinbrenner was reportedly pleased with the way the Tigers played down the stretch, and even commended the team's starting pitching after Game 1, his mood soured as they went on to win three straight games, at one point holding the Yankee lineup scoreless for 20 consecutive innings. This drew the ire of the historically volatile Yankee owner, who had "certain expectations" for the Tigers heading into the series.

"I made it very clear how I wanted the Tigers to perform this postseason, and they failed on every level to produce the desired results," Steinbrenner's statement continued. "They had several opportunities to turn this series around, but they just went out there and played like they didn't care whether the Yankees won or lost."

"The pitching was fantastic, the offense was timely, the defense was flawless… Frankly, it made me sick," Steinbrenner added.

Steinbrenner was especially critical of Tigers manager Jim Leyland, whom he claims was primarily responsible for the Yankees' ineffective postseason. A poll conducted after the ALDS echoes Steinbrenner's sentiments, as an overwhelming 100 percent of Yankee fans say they do not support Jim Leyland, and nearly zero percent say they would be disappointed if Leyland were fired from his current managerial post.

"We were all relying on Jim, but he just didn't get the job done for us," Yankees GM Brian Cashman said. "We thought long and hard about it, but in the end we decided that the Yankee organization is better off without the Detroit Tigers around."

Steinbrenner concluded his statement by criticizing the Tigers' "shameful post-game celebration," saying that "the way they were acting, you'd think the Yankees had won the pennant."

Among the other Tiger players fired by Steinbrenner are Carlos Guillen, the Tigers shortstop who batted a "disappointing .571" during the series; outfielder Curtis Granderson, who hit two home runs and had five RBI in what Steinbrenner called "an abysmal performance"; and pitchers Kenny Rogers and Jeremy Bonderman, who "cost the Yankees the series" with back-to-back outings in which they recorded a combined 12 strikeouts and gave up just two runs.

Yankee players were not shocked by Steinbrenner's announcement.

"He's the Boss—he owns the Yankees, and that gives him the right to fire whoever he wants," shortstop Derek Jeter said. "The Yankees have a long tradition of winning, and the Detroit Tigers failed to respect that."

For the Tigers, news of their firing couldn't have come at a worse time.

"I know we didn't quite live up to the expectations of certain fans, media, and baseball organizations, but it felt like things were really starting to come together for us, like something big was right around the corner," Leyland said. "We thought we still had a lot to prove here. Who knows, if we weren't eliminated in this unexpected fashion, we might have even gone on to win a world championship."

With the Oakland A's currently waiting for an opponent for the championship series, Steinbrenner is expected to announce that the newly vacant Detroit Tigers roster will be filled by the roster of the 2006 New York Yankees, effective Game 1 of the ALCS
On a side note,http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53990 :laugh.

[SoxSon]

Apologies if this has already been posted, but I get a big kick out of it:

Yankees–Red Sox Rivalry Running Dangerously Low On Storylines
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52032


My favorite part :laugh:
"Plot points such as Wily Mo Pena's multi-hit game, Johnny Damon's much-heralded 'third return' to Fenway Park, and [Red Sox third-baseman] Mike Lowell's unlikely statistical dominance over Mike Mussina are simply not resonating with the fans the same way that Pedro Martinez grabbing Don Zimmer's head and throwing him to the ground once did," Peter Gammons said.

[hudsonharden]

World Series Overshadowed By Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54496)

Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54497)

Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54216)

Baseball's Cheating Scandals (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54501)

Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214)

I think these are all free of curse words, but some may find the last two a bit tasteless.

[Mattingly]

I happened across this one from Dec 1996 while surfing the site:

Baseball Imposes Tough New 'Three-Strikes-You're-Out' Rule (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30258)
NEW YORK—Saying it is time to "get tough on hitters," Acting Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig announced Monday the adoption of a hard-line Three-Strikes-You're-Out" policy on all at-bats.

"The American people are sick and tired of the same batters coming to the plate and taking pitch after pitch," said Selig after a day-long closed-door session of the Rules Committee of Major League Baseball. "There comes a point where we have to draw the line and say, 'Okay, you've had your chance, and you blew it. You are doing harm to your team and to your fans, and you are going to spend the rest of your half-inning in the dugout.'"

The strict new rule will replace the previous system, under which the number of opportunities a hitter had to put the ball in play was subject to the discretion of the umpires. Among the factors umpires had previously taken into account: difficulty of pitch thrown, degree of pressure from fans and teammates to get a hit, socio-economic condition of the batter, and whether or not he showed any remorse for previous failed at-bats.

But according to the drafted formulation of the new rule, slated to go into effect at the start of the 1997 season, the third time a pitch is either swung at and missed, or is "taken" but ruled to have "passed through a region of space sufficiently proximate to the batter to render his lack of effort to make contact ipso facto athletic negligence," he will automatically receive his sentence.

Foul balls will also be ruled strikes, Selig explained, but will not be sufficient grounds for declaring a batter permanently out. "Our purpose is not to arbitrarily punish," Selig said. "A foul-tip on a potential third-strike pitch still constitutes a mitigating circumstance, and any alleged pitching dominance must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt."

[Chisox73]

Joe Buck Can't Resist Urge To Join 'Go Cards!' Chant
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54495
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Joe-Buck-R.article.jpg

[Chelle]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54501

I thought this was funny....

[Williamsburg2599]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54501

I thought this was funny....
I have a problem with the first one, it just supports the old "Cobb was an evil human being" myth, but the other ones aren't too bad.

[Old Sweater]

I have a problem with the first one, it just supports the old "Cobb was an evil human being" myth, but the other ones aren't too bad.

myth, I never read any different.

"(Ty) Cobb is a *****. But he sure can hit. God Almighty, that man can hit." - Babe Ruth

[Williamsburg2599]

myth, I never read any different.
I suggest you go ask the people over in the history fourm.

[Old Sweater]

I suggest you go ask the people over in the history fourm.

What, for their opinion? Won't change mine. Read a few history books myself.

[Williamsburg2599]

Kenny Roger's denies cheatin' during World Series (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54497):laugh, I always get those guys mixed up:D

[EvanAparra]

What, for their opinion? Won't change mine. Read a few history books myself.

The history forum isnt just opinions, there are actually facts too.

[Williamsburg2599]

Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54496)
October 25, 2006 | Onion Sports

ST. LOUIS—Thousands of baseball fans gathered in Busch Stadium Tuesday evening to watch as commissioner Bud Selig announced that Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association have tentatively agreed to an earth-shattering, amazing new multi-year collective-bargaining agreement, which has captured the imagination of fans young and old who have been waiting for this day since the last deal was signed in August 2002.



"Finally, I can say the words baseball fans across America have longed to hear…" Selig said to thunderous applause from the 50,000-plus in attendance. "In order to determine the amount of Major League Central Fund money to be reallocated from each contributing team, we will multiply their Net Local Revenue for the preceding three revenue-sharing years by a fraction, the numerator of which is the net transfer value of the Central Fund Component in that revenue year and the denominator of which is the sum of the means of each contributor's Net Local Revenue for the preceding three revenue-sharing years."

"And there's more good news where that came from," Selig added. "At 100 percent implementation, the net transfer value of the Central Fund Component shall be 41.066 percent of the net transfer value of the Base Plan in that revenue-sharing year!"

Game 3 of the World Series between the Cardinals and Tigers was postponed two and a half hours to allow the grounds crew time to clean Busch Stadium, dismantle the soundstage specially built for the labor-deal-unveiling event, and restore the field to playing condition following the boisterous post-announcement festivities and celebration.

News of the deal, which will be in place through 2011, has electrified the baseball world and reinvigorated a sport that has been struggling to win back fans ever since the players and the owners failed to agree upon a much-anticipated, much-hyped labor contract in 1994.

Fans in every major American city flooded the streets Saturday evening during the third inning of Game 1 upon hearing that the negotiations were successful, where they proudly waved signs containing portions of the "Outright Assignment To A Minor-League Club" section and chanted provisional clauses from Article XIII Part A regarding the newly established powers of the Safety and Health Advisory Committee.


"Woo! Application by a club to the commissioner to place a player on the disabled list shall be accompanied by a standard form of diagnosis!" said Tigers fan Matt Crowley, who along with hundreds of fans left Comerica Park in the fifth inning of Game 2 to get home in time to see the Outside The Lines episode that analyzes the slight alterations to the current daily meal and tip allowance a player receives on road games and travel days.

"Can you believe that players selected in the June amateur draft who are not college seniors now must sign with their club by August 15?! Awesome!" Crowley added.

Around the nation, fathers muted World Series broadcasts to read the changes in the salary-arbitration process to their sons, sharing precious baseball-legalese memories that will last a lifetime. College students in St. Louis and Detroit flocked to local sports-negotiation bars to meet fans of all different subsections of the document, standing shoulder-to-shoulder in crowded rooms to watch as large-screen monitors displayed portions of Article XXI concerning spring-training termination pay.

Even in freezing cold conditions, Yankees and Mets fans alike gathered in New York's Times Square with their backs to a video screen that was showing highlights of Game 4 to read scrolling text of the labor agreement on the digital marquee that runs along the side of Conde Nast Building.

"Never in my life did I think I'd be around to see a labor deal this un-*******-believable, under which teams no longer receive draft-pick compensation when a Type C player—one who ranks in the upper 60 percent but not in the upper 50 percent of his respective position group—is offered arbitration but chooses free agency," said Cardinals fan Mark Blosserman, who sold his Game 5 tickets so he could more quietly and closely examine the 235-page document.

"Baseball is back!" he added.

The media, meanwhile, has ceased all speculation regarding the foreign substance on Kenny Rogers' hand in Game 2, instead turning their attention to the landmark labor agreement, which they are already calling the "greatest success story of the 2006 season."

"People are going to be talking about this heartwarming Cinderella story in which two rival sides come together to prevent a labor strike all offseason long, and perhaps for years to come" sportswriter Peter Gammons said. "They'll never forget the moment they read about deferred compensation, the cost-of-living adjustments for the minimum major-league salary, or the competitive-balance tax… It's understanding the many little intricacies of the game that makes the sport of baseball so enjoyable."

I'll never forget that night :laugh.

[Old Sweater]

The history forum isnt just opinions, there are actually facts too.

What seperates facts from opinions going that far back. There isn't even a fact from the 1932 WS when Ruth so called his HR. Even the players that were in the game had different opinions. I guess I'll have to visit the History Forum and find a archive thread that said that Ty Cobb wasn't a racist and see what I think after reading it. I've just read to many other that states different, like this.


On May 15 1912, Cobb assaulted Claude Lueker, a heckler, in the stands in New York. Lueker and Cobb traded insults with each other throughout the first three innings, and the situation climaxed when Lueker called Cobb a "***********." Cobb then climbed into the stands and attacked the handicapped Lueker, who due to an industrial accident had lost all of one hand and three fingers on his other hand. When onlookers shouted at Cobb to stop because the man had no hands, Cobb reportedly replied, "I don't care if he has no feet!"

Now is this opinion or fact. I've read the same story in a couple history books.

[hellborn]

Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214)

I think these are all free of curse words, but some may find the last two a bit tasteless.
Ah, but tasteless is good for humor...the Matsui one made me cry and blow snot out my nose. Thank You!
The one about cheating throughout history was almost as good.

[hudsonharden]

Oh, I couldn't help but chuckle when I read this.

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54778)

Poor Cardinals fan. Nobody will just let them be legitimate champions, there's always that, "but there record..." Enough. They don't give you a ring for the best record in baseball.

[Old Sweater]

LOL@ LaRussas picture. He really looks sorry for winning.

[Captain Cold Nose]

LOL@ LaRussas picture. He really looks sorry for winning.
As a Tiger fan, I don't accept. :mad:

:crazy :laugh

Leave it to the Onion to alway hit oh so close to reality.

[dabum1]

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/stories.nsf/cardinals/story/E4AB7F61BCD600828625721A007BE643?OpenDocument


Cardinals apologize for winning World Series
From The Onion

11/02/2006

ST. LOUIS — Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years.

"I'm still struggling to understand how this could have happened," said a sober Tony La Russa during a press conference following Game 5. "It seemed all but certain coming into this series that we were going to be a part of something truly special, that we would easily put the finishing touches on a magical season that inspired millions of fans around the country, but instead we somehow ended up winning."

"It's disappointing, to say the least," La Russa added. "We were rooting for the Detroit Tigers just like everyone else."

According to Cardinals players, they "tried absolutely everything" in their pursuit to earn the Tigers their first world championship since 1984, including eliminating the far more dangerous New York Mets in the NLCS, entering the series completely unrested after a grueling seven-game series, starting a rookie pitcher with five career wins in Game 1 in Detroit, and postponing Game 4 due to rain in the hopes that an off day would swing the momentum back in the Tigers' favor.

"I don't know what we could've done differently," second-baseman Ronnie Belliard said. "We gave the Tigers every opportunity to win ballgames, but when their pitchers keep making errors on simple ground balls, what are we supposed to do, pretend we forgot the rules and start running to third base?"

Desperate for a Tigers win in Game 2, the Cardinals chose to overlook the fact that starter Kenny Rogers was pitching with the aid of a foreign substance on his left hand.

"Of course we all knew it was pine tar, but it seemed like they were finally finding their rhythm… We certainly didn't want to shake their confidence, so we decided to just let it go," La Russa said. "Frankly, if the umpires didn't bring it up, we probably would've let him pitch with it the whole game."

After the final out of the World Series was recorded, the stunned Cardinals retreated to their dugout and watched with disappointed, glazed-over expressions as the Detroit Tigers—the feel-good team of the season whom everyone expected to win it all—packed up their equipment in the dugout across the diamond.

According to Albert Pujols, some teammates took the World Series victory harder than others.

"For a lot of young guys like [Anthony] Reyes and [Yadier] Molina, this was their first chance to see an exciting, inspirational, and truly deserving team win a championship," Pujols said. "Even though the outcome of this series has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth, I can handle it, because I was there in 2004 when we were able to see Red Sox beat us in the World Series. Man, what an incredible feeling that was… Just watching those guys celebrate, I really felt like I was seeing history unfold before my eyes. It was definitely my greatest baseball moment."

"I hope we have the chance to see something like that again next year," Pujols added.

Reporters and sportswriters around the nation were critical of many of La Russa's successful managerial decisions, second-guessing such effective moves as leaving staff ace Chris Carpenter in for more than five innings in Game 3, and failing to bench third-baseman Scott Rolen, who batted a team-high .421 in the series. La Russa, however, said that things would be different next year.

"I think I speak for my players, the front office, the coaching staff, and every fan in St. Louis when I say that all season long, we had just one goal: bringing a championship to the great city of Detroit," La Russa said. "And even though we failed this time around, we will be committed to achieving similar goals next season."

In the somber clubhouse following the victory, Cardinals centerfielder Jim Edmonds admitted that "the wrong team won," but said that the outcome of the 2006 World Series is "just something we're unfortunately going to have to live with."

"Nobody thought we could do this, nobody thought we could stop this powerhouse team that beat the odds to go from worst to first and rolled through the playoffs looking like they were invincible," Edmonds said. "And we thought we had taken every possible step to prove them right."

"We shocked the world," Edmonds added. "We're sorry."

This story originally appeared Nov. 2 in the satirical online newspaper The Onion.

[Dodgerfan1]

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/stories.nsf/cardinals/story/E4AB7F61BCD600828625721A007BE643?OpenDocument

From The Onion. That figures... Good stuff! :dance

[Los Bravos]

Classic. The made up Belliard quote is the cherry on top :laugh

[SoxSon]

There's an "Onion" thread in BI. Moving this there.

[Williamsburg2599]

Alex Rodriguez Nervously Awaiting Invitation To Spring Training (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/alex_rodriguez_nervously)
February 15, 2007 | | Onion Sports
NEW YORK—All-Star third-baseman and Yankee roster hopeful Alex Rodriguez is still anxiously waiting to receive official word that he has been invited to join the team in Florida for 2007 Spring Training, Rodriguez reported Monday. "I'm still confident, but I heard that Derek [Jeter] and Jorge [Posada] already got theirs, so I don't know what's taking so long," said Rodriguez, who has spent the past four hours peering out his front window waiting for the mail truck to drive by. "Maybe I should call the Yankees to make sure they sent it to my right address? They wouldn't have cut me. No. Certainly not. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this, and I'm just obsessing over nothing. Oh God, what if I was traded?" Rodriguez added that, should he not be formally invited to spring training, he will nonetheless show up, act like he's supposed to be there, and hope no one notices.

.......................

[Williamsburg2599]

Pirates GM Begins Making Frantic, Haphazard Moves After Realizing It's Almost Spring Training (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/pirates_gm_begins_making)
February 8, 2007 | | Onion Sports
PITTSBURGH—While watching the noon edition of SportsCenter in his pajamas Tuesday, an alarmed Pirates GM Doug Littlefield suddenly realized that spring training was just one week away and he had yet to make a single offseason transaction. "S*** s*** s***—what do we need? Hitters? Pitchers? Pitchers. Can never have enough pitching. Who's a pitcher? Let's see, Randy Johnson, Roy Oswalt, Tom Glavine—wait, wasn't there some Japanese guy now who's good?" Littlefield reportedly said as he went to go put on pants, started running the shower, and picked up the phone to call his assistant. "Who's still available… A… A… Armas. Tony Armas Jr. Wait, is he already on the Pirates? No, that's Shawn Chacon. Good, that's one. Think, think: Who else is there in baseball?" Littlefield spent the next hour trying to figure out where the Pirates normally hold spring training before making the last-minute decision to send half the team to Arizona and the other half to Florida.


I also like one of the latest ticketers: Pitchers, Catchers gossip about Second baseman, Left Fielder at Spring Training.

[Cubsfan97]

I think people of BBF should start writing some of their own stories, Im sure we all could create some great ones.

[DownUnderDodger]

I think people of BBF should start writing some of their own stories, Im sure we all could create some great ones.
Ok, I'll have a go!!

Los Angeles Feb 16 2007
The famous Dodger Dog has threatened to walk out of Dodger Stadium after the decision to make the Right Field spectator area a $40 All-You-Can-Eat section. It was not so much the fact of the new ticketting arrangement....more so the fact that Dodger Dog has to share with other foods such as Nachos, Peanuts & Popcorn. Dodger Dog claims that these items should be made available only in concession stands in other sections, and the All-You-Can-Eat section should be limited exclusively to Dodger Dogs. After all Dodger Dog is the famous icon and the other foods are just blow-ins, and should organise their own sections.

Dodger Dog is also upset that drinks under this All-You-Can-Eat ticket only include Coca-Cola products and Water. He is adament that a Dodger Dog must be accompanied only by beer because the taste is ruined by pop and water.

Dodger Dog was recently seen talking to WAL-MART. He told reporters that if COSTCO and Sam's Club can have their own Dogs, he would be prepared to put WAL-MART on the Dog map!

Dodger's Stadium has been unavailable for comment!

[Cubsfan97]

Very good DUD, fun to read. I think i will try to give it a shot now..

Cubs to Cancel 7th Inning Stretch Due to Money Issues
Chicago Tribune 2/17/2007

When fans come to Wrigley Field to see a beautiful Cubs game with the sky blue as can be, it won;t be the same now that the 7th Inning Stretch had to be canceled because of contract issues. The Cubs had wanted hometown hero Michael Jordan to sing the 7th Inning Stretch and Jordan was very willing to do it, but he said that he wanted to get paid. Cub officials told him that the 7th Inning Stretch was a volunteer thing and he said he wanted some of the money the Cubs were dishing out. In a recent statement from Jordan he stated "Jordan wants Jordan money, you can't expect Michael Jordan to go out and sing the 7th Inning Stretch without getting the money he deserves. After the Cubs refused to give him money, they decided they would ask someone else, that someone else being Marty Havlat, player for the Chicago Blackhawks, but he also stated he wanted money, the Cubs found this to be a big problem. The only person willing to do it for free was NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon. "I told the Cubs that I would LOVE to comeback to sing the 7th Inniong Stretch, Im sure Wrigley park would love to hear a NASCAR legend sing for them" The Cubs declined to offer it to him.

[Williamsburg2599]

I think people of BBF should start writing some of their own stories, Im sure we all could create some great ones.
I'll try:
Yankees sign new pitcher, may become #2 man in rotation
by Williamsburg2599
20215
The new Yankee's offseason acquisition, simply known as "Pitcher" poses on the Mound during spring training on friday.

The New York Yankees, not to be outdone by the Red Soxs signing of Daisuke Matsuzaka, signed a new, previously unknown free agent, simply known as "The Pitcher" to a 1 year, 62.8 Million dollar contract Friday. " I think this guy has the potential to be key in our rotation this year." Steinbrenner stated, sweating as he quickly walked from the luxury box to the playing field during workouts, “With the weakness of our rotation this year, any stats he could put up could really, really help us." The "Pitcher" and his agent, Scott Boris, refused to speak to the press after his workout session Friday. The "Pitcher" previously worked in the Yankees clubhouse, and before that apparently worked for some type of liquid distribution company. "Me and the pitcher have been close for a long time" Alex Rodriquez said, while using the exercise bike in the clubhouse at Legends Field Saturday. "Do we get drinks together every day like we used to? No. But he's a good friend, he helps cool be down when things with the press or on the field get a little hot."

-------------------------------------

[Williamsburg2599]

Manny Ramirez Has Weirdest Feeling He Should Be Somewhere While Watching Spring Training (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/manny_ramirez_has_weirdest)

SANTO DOMINGO, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC—While watching a live spring-training report from the Boston Red Sox training facility in Fort Myers, FL on SportsCenter Wednesday, outfielder Manny Ramirez reportedly told his family that he "had the weirdest feeling [he] should be somewhere else right now." "I don't know what it is... Am I usually someplace else at this time of year?" Ramirez asked his wife, adding that the people on television looked vaguely familiar and that he felt "the strangest urge" to be in Florida. "Wait, is that guy there on the TV... is that Big Papi? But why would he be in Florida now?" According to Ramirez's wife, her husband then looked at the calendar on the wall, frowned, and continued to watch television while idly popping an old ball into his baseball glove.
--------------------------------------------------

[Williamsburg2599]

MLB No Longer Accepting New Players (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mlb_no_longer_accepting_new)

MILWAUKEE—In a tersely worded press release Tuesday, Major League Baseball sent a strong message to the thousands of college, high-school, and Little League athletes who have voiced their desire to someday become professional baseball players: "You're too late."

Enlarge Image
"While we recognize that there are many eager, qualified candidates still out there, right now we have found a good mix of versatile, talented players whom we think will be a part of this league for a very long time," the statement read in part. "We ask that you and/or your agents immediately cease all attempts to contact representatives from the 30 MLB teams."

"We thank you for your interest in Major League Baseball, and wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors," the statement concluded.

According to MLB commissioner Bud Selig, the 750 currently active baseball players have proven themselves more than capable in the areas of hitting, pitching, and fielding, thereby eliminating the need to search for any additional athletes.

"We already have every type of player you can imagine. Power hitters? Tons of them. Finesse pitchers? Check. Closers? Practically one on every team," Selig said in a press conference early Wednesday. "Leadoff men, outfielders, defensive specialists, backup second-basemen, bullpen catchers… In fact, I find it hard or impossible to think of a single position in which we are not currently overstaffed."

"Not only that, but we have some of the biggest names in baseball—Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, Derek Jeter, Johan Santana, the list goes on," Selig added. "Why would we bring in some no-name kid who's never played a professional baseball game in his life? It just wouldn't make sense."

In addition, the annual June amateur draft has been canceled, and players expected to take part in it have been asked to "look into other lines of work."

"I don't think anyone wants to sit through that long, tedious process ever again," Selig said. "Let's just go with the guys we've got."

Most league owners are in favor of the new policy, with some going so far as to say that there are "too many players as it is," and that Major League Baseball could "probably get rid of about 200 to 250 additional players without anyone even noticing."

"A team only needs nine men to play a baseball game," said Mariners CEO Howard Lincoln. "Right now, we're up to about 25. It's gotten out of hand. Every month, I write huge checks to guys who play one, maybe two innings a week—some of them I've never even heard of."

"In fact—and I didn't even know this—but apparently we have guys now who literally just come into the game to run," he added. "When you're at that point, it's hard to imagine what you'd hire anyone else to do."

MLB players also strongly supported the decision, claiming that "anyone who is not already in the major leagues probably isn't good enough to be here anyway."

"I've been playing this same position for 18 years," said 41-year-old Giants centerfielder Steve Finley. "If it weren't for this ruling, though, who knows—tomorrow, some hotshot 22-year-old kid could come along and take my job. That's just not how it's supposed to work."

According to recent polls, the only notable opponents of the decision are college and minor-league baseball players, male children ages 5 through 18, and Scott Boras.

The commissioner addressed the thousands of young men seeking employment as a ballplayer, telling them "not to waste [their] time" and informing them that there are "other ways to get involved in Major League Baseball."

"If you truly love the game of baseball, there are still many employment opportunities in and around the ballpark," Selig said. "We always need ticket-takers, hot-dog vendors, grounds-crew members, and bat boys. Just because you can't be a baseball player doesn't mean you can't be an important part of the game."

Selig then encouraged all prospective players to periodically check the league's official website, as they will make sure to post temporary job openings due to player injury or sickness, as well as any other MLB career opportunities should such positions become available.

------------------------------------------

[DownUnderDodger]

Very good Cubsfan97 & Williamsburg2599

I will have another go at it!!

28th Feb 2007
The San Francisco Giants Ballpark is currently wondering what the name of their ballpark will be this year! After starting its life in the Bay Area as Seal Park, which only lasted 2 years before being unceremoniously dumped for a place called Candlestick Park (named after a now very extinct bird called the Candlestick bird - a fate that would eventually happen to the park) the Ballpark settled in for the long haul. They were very happy to be associated with the name for over 40 years. The park was so sturdy it even survived the disasterous earthquake during the 1989 WS. Then in 1995 the City of San Francisco sold the naming rights to a company called 3Com for a lousy $500,000 for 6 months, hence the park lost it's wonderful name - affectionately known as "the Stick" - and became 3Com Park. The 3Com company decided to extend it's contract for another 6 years so 3Com Park was here to stay. Or so they thought!!!

However, at the same time a company called Pacific Telesis Group paid $53 million in 1996 to name a new ballpark, to be built at China Basin, or better known as McCovey Cove. It was to be named Pacific Bell Park (or PacBell Park) during the years 2000 through 2019 and the Giants started playing there in 2000. SBC Communications Inc., then known as Southwestern Bell Corp., bought Pacific Telesis Corp. in 1997 and changed the name of the ballpark to SBC Park on January 1, 2004.

The name changes upset the Ballpark, not to mention some fans, leaving them in the awkward position of desiring the park's former corporate name. After SBC merged with AT&T on November 18, 2005, the name of the merged company became AT&T, Inc. As a result, the stadium was given its third name in six years: "AT&T Park." A few fans still refer to the stadium as "Pac Bell Park", as it was the first name given the stadium. Others have named the stadium "The Phone Booth" or "Telephone Park", for the constant name changes. But many refer to the stadium as, China Basin, for its location, which would be immune to changes in sponsorship naming.

The Ballpark, noting that PacBell lasted 3 years, PBC 2 years, and AT&T has been there for 1 year, is wondering when the next name change will be. With the fans having different names for it, the Ballpark is going through some sort of identity crisis and quite often has to look in the mirror to read it's own name on the main gates just so it knows what to call itself. It is dreading when 2019 is reached, not knowing whether it will be allowed to stay where it is or will be moved again.

The corporate Giants have certainly seen fit to upset this particular Giant in the years it has been in San Francisco!!

[Williamsburg2599]

Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion' (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/excited_red_sox_fans_eagerly_await)March 1, 2007 | Onion Sports
BOSTON—Now that Manny Ramirez has reported to camp and the spring-training opener against Minnesota is in the books, Red Sox fans are turning their attention to the awesome power rumored to dwell within much-touted off-season pitching acquisition Daisuke Matsuzaka—a man who many say possesses pitching powers and techniques beyond the comprehension of mortal fans.

"Daisuke is the pitching master!" said Boston Globe baseball columnist Bob Ryan, hopping from one foot to the other as he described videotape footage of Matsuzaka's otherworldly pitching power and control banishing a flock of evil, conniving, left-handed-batting carp-spirits to the netherworld during a 2003 Seibu Lions game. "His Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion breaks three feet inside before cutting sharply toward the dugout, where falsehood and cowardice are forced to shrink before it!"

Since before Boston signed Matsuzaka to a six-year, $52 million contract last November, the city's baseball fans were inundated with incredible tales of the Japanese ace's pitching prowess, many of which seemed too good to be believed. Nevertheless, most Red Sox fans find it hard to contain their excitement at the thought of finally seeing Matsuzaka's skills on display.

"Battle on, Daisuke! Wither their spirits with your mystical Four Winds Split-Finger Shottu-jitsu! Repel their cruel affronts with your Triple-Star Cut-Fastball Technique of the Joyous Uplifting Dynamo, clocked at a respectable 96 miles per hour! And baffle their comprehension and deceive in turn their deceitful hearts with your Two-Seam Shadow-Strike Clouded-Eye Shinobi Sinker!" said 44-year-old accountant and spring-training attendee Roger Fettleman, quoting the back of Matsuzaka's Red Sox rookie card almost word for word as he watched the right-hander warm up in the bullpen before his first Grapefruit League start. "Truly, it is within your grasp to go 16-4 with an ERA under 4.00!"

Fettleman is hardly alone among Boston fans in having both his spirits and his expectations raised to unusual levels by the seven-year veteran of Japan's top leagues. Besides the talk surrounding his alleged gyroball, rumors have circulated about his uncanny ability to read a batter, his cleverness in using his fastballs as his out pitches instead of over-relying on breaking balls, and his almost inexhaustible wellspring of ki, or spirit-energy.

"If what we've heard is correct, then Matsuzaka indeed possesses a Power Level of well over 9,000," said ESPN's Peter Gammons, struggling to contain his excitement on Tuesday's edition of Baseball Tonight. "Over 9,000! Which, of course, is only to be expected of the ballplayer whom sources say descended into the Underworld to spit in the flaming eye of the Lord of Hell and steal the secret power of the Onikaze, or 'demon-storm' pitch, which tails away nicely from both lefties and righties."

Despite the constant adulation and high expectations, the 27-year-old right-hander has been modest when dealing with the press.

"Boston fans are the greatest fans in the world," Matsuzaka told reporters through an interpreter upon being asked if he had left Japan out of fears that his Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion might split Mount Fuji, strike the rising sun from the sky, and awaken the wrathful atomic lizard Gojira. "I'm very happy and excited to be a member of the Red Sox."
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________

[Williamsburg2599]

Steinbrenner: Torre's Job In Jeopardy If He Doesn't Win Grapefruit League
March 1, 2007 | | Onion Sports

TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner informed reporters yesterday that manager Joe Torre could face firing if the Yankees do not emerge from spring training as Grapefruit League champions. "I expect—and our great fans in Tampa demand—Joe Torre to bring the Grapefruit League championship home every year," said Steinbrenner, adding that Torre will also be "held to the Yankee standard" in both simulated and intrasquad games. "Though Joe has had success in the past, we haven't brought the Grapefruit League trophy home to Legends Field in I don't know how long." Steinbrenner added that he has given Torre every possible resource he should need to finally defeat the Grapefruit League's longstanding dynasty, the Kansas City Royals.
__________________________________________________ _______________

[Green Monster]

Steinbrenner: Torre's Job In Jeopardy If He Doesn't Win Grapefruit League
March 1, 2007 Onion Sports

TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner informed reporters yesterday that manager Joe Torre could face firing if the Yankees do not emerge from spring training as Grapefruit League champions. "I expect—and our great fans in Tampa demand—Joe Torre to bring the Grapefruit League championship home every year," said Steinbrenner, adding that Torre will also be "held to the Yankee standard" in both simulated and intrasquad games. "Though Joe has had success in the past, we haven't brought the Grapefruit League trophy home to Legends Field in I don't know how long." Steinbrenner added that he has given Torre every possible resource he should need to finally defeat the Grapefruit League's longstanding dynasty, the Kansas City Royals.


http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif http://www.saintsreport.com/forums/images/smilies/229031_rofl.gif

[Williamsburg2599]

College Baseball Prospect Comes Home To Find Scott Boras In Living Room
March 8, 2007 | | Onion Sports
ATLANTA—Star Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters returned to his off-campus apartment following a 3-for-4, two RBI performance Monday, only to find a man he instantly recognized as MLB agent Scott Boras seated in a black leather swivel chair directly facing the door. "I've been expecting you," Boras reportedly said before uncrossing his legs, extinguishing his cigar, and snapping open a metal briefcase full of $100 bills. "I've been watching you, Matthew. Oh, yes, I have. And I'm going to make you a very rich man indeed. Now, I'm going to leave this briefcase here and be on my way. Do I have to tell you that I was never here? I thought not." In other Boras-related news, NC State pitching prospect Andrew Brackman recently reported falling asleep after eating a pizza delivered by "an anonymous fan" and waking up hours later bound and gagged in the back of a nondescript, windowless limousine en route to Yankee Stadium.

Best Onion article so far.:laugh

[Williamsburg2599]

'No Bunting' Rule Somehow Finds Way Into Updated MLB Rulebook
March 8, 2007 | | Onion Sports
MILWAUKEE—The MLB Rules Committee announced the addition of a controversial new "no bunting" provision in the MLB rulebook Tuesday, described by chairman Sandy Alderson as "only fair." "A batter is out for illegal action when he fails to complete a full swing like everyone else just because he's fast and/or tricky," said Alderson, explaining the official instatement of Article 6.06(e) to the rules. "It's such a far run for the infielders, and plus it's so cheap." Other new rules include a 12-second time limit for a pitcher to deliver the ball, an automatic strike call for any batter who refuses to take his position in the batter's box, and the legalization of pegging.

It was bound to happen.:laugh

[Williamsburg2599]

Slight Breeze Shatters Ken Griffey Jr.'s Femur (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/slight_breeze_shatters_ken)
March 15, 2007 | | Onion Sports

CINCINNATI—Although Ken Griffey Jr. had nearly recovered from a broken hand sustained while playing with his children in December, his rehabilitation came to a sudden halt yesterday when a gentle 2 mph breeze wafted across his leg, shattering his femur in three places. "I knew it was broken right when that breeze hit me," said Griffey, who was walking from his sports therapist's office to his car in order to drive to his daughter's piano recital at the time of the injury. "These things just happen. If I would have known a breeze like that was coming, I never would have left the house." Reds manager Jerry Narron has stated that, upon Griffey's return to the Reds, he will be fitted with a personalized protective bubble to be worn for the remainder of the season.
------------------------------------------------

[Williamsburg2599]

Fantasy Baseball Busts And Sleepers (http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/fantasy_baseball_busts_and)

Given the phenomenal popularity of fantasy baseball, Onion Sports editors have picked out some of the best bargains and potential busts in this year's draft:

BUSTS:

Albert Pujols: Expect a huge regression this year, with Pujols putting up a .322 average, a dismal 47 home runs, and a paltry 136 RBIs

Hanley Ramirez: Though he's the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, he has been politely asked by MLB to do poorly this season, as there are already two great players named Ramirez and that's confusing enough for fans as it is

Ryan Howard: Many are predicting another 50-homer season from this Phillies slugger, but if you draft him, he'll probably get injured or forget how to hit just like all the players you picked last year

Mark Prior: Now that he's finally back and healthy, look for this Cubs phenom to win 20 games, post 250-plus strikeouts, and—wait, he just broke his arm waterskiing nine minutes ago

SLEEPERS:

Randy Johnson: Could be a monster year for Johnson, especially with the Diamondbacks ace scheduled to pitch 162 games

Gary Sheffield: As the Tigers' new DH, Sheffield now only has to half-a** one job

Barry Bonds: You want to win, right? Nobody has proven anything, so it's not cheating if you pick him. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get to that next level

Robin Yount: Trust us on this one
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[Williamsburg2599]

1934:
Mildred "Babe" Didrikson pitches a hitless inning for the Philadelphia A's in an exhibition game against the Brooklyn Dodgers, humiliating the Dodgers into moving to Los Angeles 23 years later.

March 15, 2007
----------------------------------------------------

[Mattingly]

College Baseball Prospect Comes Home To Find Scott Boras In Living Room (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/college_baseball_prospect)
ATLANTA—Star Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters returned to his off-campus apartment following a 3-for-4, two RBI performance Monday, only to find a man he instantly recognized as MLB agent Scott Boras seated in a black leather swivel chair directly facing the door. "I've been expecting you," Boras reportedly said before uncrossing his legs, extinguishing his cigar, and snapping open a metal briefcase full of $100 bills. "I've been watching you, Matthew. Oh, yes, I have. And I'm going to make you a very rich man indeed. Now, I'm going to leave this briefcase here and be on my way. Do I have to tell you that I was never here? I thought not." In other Boras-related news, NC State pitching prospect Andrew Brackman recently reported falling asleep after eating a pizza delivered by "an anonymous fan" and waking up hours later bound and gagged in the back of a nondescript, windowless limousine en route to Yankee Stadium.

[Richmond Hill Phoenix]

College Baseball Prospect Comes Home To Find Scott Boras In Living Room (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/college_baseball_prospect)Come one Matt, that one's already been posted. Do you even bother to read the threads anymore :rolleyes:?

[Williamsburg2599]

Come one Matt, that one's already been posted. Do you even bother to read the threads anymore :rolleyes:?
I think certain members of Red Sox Nation may be on his ignore list. :D ;)

[Richmond Hill Phoenix]

I think certain members of Red Sox Nation may be on his ignore list. :D ;)Well, in that case, it's just hilarious :laugh.

[EdmondsFan#1]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47426

[Williamsburg2599]

Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double (http://http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/pirates_player_keeps_asking)
April 5, 2007 | | Onion Sports

HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking fans in attendance if they had seen his "awesome hit." "You guys got a chance to see it, right? You weren't in here the whole time, were you?" Bautista asked a line of men waiting to use a Minute Maid Park restroom immediately after the game concluded. "I just crushed that thing. Then I ran as fast as I could all the way to second." Concerned that fans outside the stadium couldn't fully appreciate the scene, Bautista then headed over to the nearby Texas Barbecue Grill to make sure the game had been on the TV, only to find the bar had emptied as soon as patrons heard the sound of approaching cleats.
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[Mattingly]

Come one Matt, that one's already been posted. Do you even bother to read the threads anymore :rolleyes:?
It was? I just haven't read this thread much. Oh well.

[Williamsburg2599]

Jeff Kent To Wear No. 42 To Honor Mariano Rivera (http://http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/jeff_kent_to_wear_no_42_to)
April 12, 2007 | | Onion Sports

LOS ANGELES—Though all the players on the Los Angeles Dodger roster will be wearing No. 42 on April 15 to commemorate the anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking Major League Baseball's color barrier, Dodger second-baseman Jeff Kent told reporters yesterday that he will wear the much-celebrated number to honor Yankee great and future Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera. "Mariano is easily my favorite pitcher, and I think it's wonderful that I finally have the opportunity to show how much he has meant to both me and to the game of baseball," said Kent, adding that Rivera is "the greatest player to ever don the No. 42 jersey." "Most important, he made it possible for Panamanians everywhere not to be afraid to chase their dreams." Kent added that he hoped Major League Baseball would eventually "get their act together" and retire No. 42 for good, which he feels would be the ultimate tribute to Rivera.
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[VTSoxFan]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/tampa_bay_devil_rays_change

They're now a minor-league hockey team!

[MadHatter]

Someone may have mentioned this in this thread already, but there is an "ionion-like" sports site... http://www.thebrushback.com/

[mojorisin71]

http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume6/2007-1114-boras.html

Can we just crown the Yankees as the 2008 World Series champs?

[Williamsburg2599]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/congress_wondering_what

[gojays]

This one is easily my all-time favourite:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51318

[Williamsburg2599]

Here's a good one about the ASG:
As if it weren't enough to feature the game's top players in the only All-Star game in all the pro sports with any real implications, Major League Baseball and Fox have decided to spice up the contest with a few tweaks. Onion Sports lists the most intriguing:


Warning track covered with red carpet, celebrities

Every fan in attendance mic'd up

Basepath will have translucent blue glow to show viewers where baserunners need to go

Clean uniforms

To avoid dull, tedious, or awkward moments during broadcast, Fox promises never to point the cameras at Bud Selig

All-Stars will rifle balls into the stands during the new Line Drive Derby

Three Doors Down or some similar band will sing some song while they show videos of diving catches

Yankee Stadium to be imploded during seventh inning

Mercury column at first base will measure how much pressure the first baseman is applying to it

Game will determine if American League representative will win World Series at home or on the road

[OleMissCub]

Prince Fielder Dies Of Inside-The-Park Home Run (http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/prince_fielder_dies_of)
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Prince-Fielder-sub.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/strongside.jpghttp://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/chipper_feature.jpg
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/sports_feature_44_19.jpghttp://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/santana_redo.article.jpg
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Features-Vlad-Gurrero.article.jpghttp://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/barybonds-feature.jpg

[Mattingly]

Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/jamie_moyer_change_up)
PHILADELPHIA—Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Jamie Moyer-thrown change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes when I thought it would never get here," said Phillies catcher Chris Coste, who had to rise from his squatting position to stretch twice during the pitch's journey in order to keep the feeling in his legs. "First Ryan [Howard] almost cut it off to catch the runner going to second, then decided against it, then was about to grab it again before I shouted to him that it might count as a balk. Then the batter took a swing, backed up and took another swing before striking out when it hit the outside corner.After that, I had to wait in the catcher's box for what felt like forever when the runner decided to try to score all the way from first.And then you saw how [centerfielder] Shane [Victorino] almost ruined the whole thing when he ran past the pitch because he thought the inning was over. Thank goodness Jamie's change-up had that very, very late movement so that it eventually dipped around Shane and right into the sliding runner's path." Moyer later revealed that the pitch was a fastball.

[ItsoutofHere]

Hahaha great thread! The Onion is one hell of a publication :)

[Williamsburg2599]

Not The Onion, but close enough (Thebrushback.com)


Manny Shoves Traveling Secretary Again For Getting Him Fined

BOSTON--Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez is in hot water once again after shoving travelling secretary Jack McCormick to the ground following Sunday’s game against the Anaheim Angels. According to sources, Ramirez was angry at McCormick for getting him fined by falling down after the first shove.

“Manny has been pissed at Jack ever since that first incident, when Jack fell down in full view of everybody,” one clubhouse source said. “Manny felt that if Jack was able to catch himself, the incident would have been viewed a lot differently. On top of that, he’s also harboring some resentment at Jack for not getting him those 16 tickets he was asking for. None of this would have happened if Jack just got him those tickets. So those two things, coupled with the fact that Manny is completely bat****, created a perfect storm of sorts.”

The latest shoving incident was even more violent than the first, with Ramirez shoving McCormick so hard that he knocked over the buffet table, spilling food and drink all over the floor. Ramirez then stalked out of the room screaming about everyone “being out to get him.”

“I think Manny’s going to get into a lot of trouble for this one,” said one teammates. “He really laid into Jack this time. It was no love tap. He was like ‘Why you goin and getting me fined, man? What I ever did to you? **** you!’ Then he put both hands on him and threw him into the buffet table and made a huge mess everywhere. Then he got pissed because nobody came and replaced the food and he had to eat a chicken wing off the floor. So I guess you can't blame him for thinking people are out to get him.”

Team officials say the matter will be handled internally, and word is they are weighing a bigger fine and possibly a suspension.

The incident was downplayed, however, by manager Terry Francona, who called it “an unfortunate misunderstanding.”

“These things happen all the time in a major league clubhouse,” Francona said on Monday. “We’re like a family in here, and like all families, we fight sometimes. You just have to kiss and make up and move on with your lives. Hopefully Manny can admit that he was wrong to shove Jack and Jack can admit that he was wrong to fall down and also to spill my ************* chicken, broccoli and ziti all over the floor and – sorry that sort of slipped out. Anyway this is obviously an emotional issue for all of us.”

Francona also addressed the perception that Ramirez receives preferential treatment from the Red Sox brass and that he is “above the team.”

“It’s nonsense. No one is above the team,” he said. “When Manny does something wrong, he is disciplined for it just like everybody else. For instance, a few weeks ago when he decided to make a cell phone call from inside the Green Monster? We confiscated his cell phone and wouldn’t give it back to him until the inning was over. Some people might find that Draconian, but I call it tough love.”

[Williamsburg2599]

No new articles this week on a count of the Olympics, but there was this headline:
America's Best Baseball Players Wish Olympic Team Luck